Holy shit
I guess we do treat shit like it's holy. One must not speak of shit. One must not look directly at it. As for actually touching shit?--out of the question.
Unless, of course, there are circumstances in which you're forced to become rather intimate with your bowels and the movements thereof. One such circumstance is when your mom is dying from metastatic colon cancer and you've talked to your doctor about beginning early cancer screenings for your own colon. In other words, I, my friends, have entered the inner sanctum. Or is it rectum? The inner rectum sanctum.
Common wisdom dictates that you should have your first colonoscopy when you're ten years younger than your family member was when first diagnosed. My mom was first diagnosed when she was 55 ... which would mean my screenings should begin at 45. However, my doctor and I decided that, given that my mom was diagnosed somewhat later than ideal (are these things ever ideal?), I should have my first colonoscopy at age 40. Til then, we agreed that I might have yearly, get this, "fecal occult blood" tests done.
Nothing, NOTHING about a fecal occult blood test sounds good, right? Why, for instance, do they have to use the word "occult"? The test is designed to see if there is any blood hidden in your feces. But using "occult" (which I know means something different in medical lingo than in, erm, regular lingo) makes it sound like they're testing to see if you have haunted poop. Like it might start floating about of its own accord. Or start glowing. Or start spinning around really fast, talking like the devil. Something like Slimer, from Ghostbusters. Only brown instead of green. (Mr. Hankey was too obvious a reference so I decided to go old school, and, also, am I grossing you out yet?)
The fecal occult blood test is a take home test--only instead of giving you a booklet and test questions and the easy opportunity to cheat, you're given three paper sheets, three flat wooden sticks, and three slides. The idea is that you lay the paper down in the toilet before you have a bowel movement, "movement" onto the paper, and then use the sticks to collect a sample, which you'll then "smear" on the slide. Three times over three days. They make it sound easy ... but I don't know. There seem to be missing steps. Like how do you collect a sample without getting it wet? And, perhaps more importantly, how do you maintain your dignity in the process? (Oh right!--you let the world know by BLOGGING ABOUT IT.)
Oh and I guess you could cheat on the fecal occult blood test ... but, really, you can pick at your friends, you can pick at your shit, but you can't pick at your friends' shit.
This blogpost notwithstanding, I hear I'm really sexy and you should totally date me.
