Hospital 4

Mornings are always better. And then, just after lunch, it's a quick descent into pain.

No good news today. She continues to get her albumin infusions (the last one will happen at midnight tonight). The swelling hasn't gone down ... but, apparently, these things take time. The doctor ordered a CT scan on her chest this afternoon. My mom and I waited in the hallway while another patient finished up in the x-ray room. During that time, another patient came by--an emergency--so the technician came out and wheeled my mom's bed flush against the wall because she'd need to wait a little longer. She went in soon after.

I don't have exact details about what that scan showed. I had gone to my aunt's house (she lives a block away from the hospital) for a quick dinner and some rest and called my dad's cell phone to let him know that dinner was ready and he could come by for some food (we've been taking shifts). My mom got on the phone, sobbing. What I learned from her then was that the lesions in her lungs have also grown. Something about them being very close to the heart. She had been complaining about not being able to breathe earlier today. And she's been coughing up blood and bits of who knows what for the last few months. We returned to the hospital to comfort her. After another dose of diladin, she started to feel a little better. I think they should up the dose to every two hours.

She was also feeling some pain in her left kidney today. They'll do an ultrasound on it tomorrow morning. I'd just like her to come home. I pick up my brother from the airport tomorrow morning.

Me?

Well, I've been eating three meals a day, which (if you know me) I pretty much NEVER do. And yet I've lost weight.

I'm beginning to think I'll need to cancel my trip to Europe this summer. I have no idea right now about my mom's prognosis ... but I don't like the thought of being way over there. Could I possibly have a good time? Moreover, writing a presentation on Brain Fies' Mom's Cancer is just way too ridiculous. Somehow, I know that my research will, in the longrun, be okay. Right now, though, I don't know if I can do it.

I return to Seattle on Saturday, but I doubt I'll stay for very long at all. Any thoughts on what one does with a lonely prrr-monster? I'd like to bring her back with me, but I don't know if that's a possibility right now.

When my dad and I got home tonight, I poured myself a glass of wine and my dad heated up some dinner for himself. We sat in front of the TV and watched a stupid, fucking, bald Howie Mandell say, over and over again, DEAL OR NO DEAL. And for just a few minutes, both of us forgot about everything except the assbrain who passed up 113,000 bucks. We both said the Hindi word for "owl" (phoenetically, "oo-loo"). It's funny that over here owls are deemed as wise ... and over there, owls are used to describe idiocy.

I don't know where I'm getting this strength from. Probably inherited from my mom. Things are okay as long as my mind is occupied and my hands are busy. Things are okay when that doesn't happen, too ... except that my head feels like an inverted punching bag.

And thank you, dear hearts, for everything so much. I think I'll write a letter to Al Gore and demand that he run for president.