Friday

Everyone here is shaken inside. And I spent the day thinking about how much I rely on your blog comments, e-mail, text messages, phone messages, phonecalls ... to keep me from tumbling over, flat on my face. Please don't stop. I also realized that my head is still in this place where I wonder what my mom will say about this whole experience once it's over ... what will she remember and what will she forget. And then also, today, I got scared that I would only remember her as she's been during the last six years. I have a hard time, sometimes, picturing her without cancer. Those images feel more like memories than realities. Still, it's a silly thought. My mom is my mom--with cancer or without. Of COURSE recent images are stronger, more present. And who needs the idealizing anyway?

Today was very long ... and though I got out of the house, it didn't do me much good. It's not even that I worried that I should be back with her. I don't know quite what it was, though.

This evening, we had a little birthday party in my mom's bedroom for my cousin. 21. Just my dad, aunt, grandma, uncle, and cousin. My mom seemed to be having such a good time ... but then, toward the end, she began trying to hint everyone out of the room. Brushing her teeth. Asking for help with her pajamas. Saying, "Okay. Bye." No one got the hint until she lay down in bed and turned on her side. When everyone finally left, she told me "Nothing feels good" (in Hindi--which I mention because something feels lost in the translation). I gave her an Ativan and she's resting now.

Blechhhhhhhhhh.