Decepticons

Remember how, before, it was all about go go go go. Now it's all about don't go don't go don't go don't go. Today, my mom took my hand in hers and said, "I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to say anything about how you're leaving tomorrow." I tried to convince her (and myself, really) that Sunday really isn't that far away. But these days are so long. These days are so long.

We've grown accustomed to each other. We've developed habits--how she'll rest and how I'll rest with her. I've been the one bringing her her lunch and dinner plates--just so much, just so much. She'll say my name with that certain look and I'll say, "Ativan?" She'll nod and I'll go get her pill. You become attuned to the bodies that are close to yours. Their needs.

So why am I going back? I don't know. I have my reasons, I suppose ... but they just don't feel like very good ones right now. To get away? Relax? Pay bills? Remind myself of the other life?

Well, they're okay reasons. And important. I guess they just feel a little selfish. A little indulgent.

But I wouldn't go if I didn't feel like she was doing well, all things considered. She still has some pain that breaks through the meds--but she seems to be in such a better place than she was just a few days ago. I worry about what Wednesday's chemo treatment might do ... but they're starting her off with a very low dose (which, well ... if you haven't got anything nice to say?). And, plus, her grandchildren will be arriving in a couple days.

So--it should be okay, right?

Transformers anyone?

EDIT: Awww. It doesn't come out til after I leave Seattle again ...