Zoo

Today I began to wonder if the reason no one says anything about my mom's elephant is because we're all a bunch of monkeys. Dumb monkeys. Yesterday, I had this gigantic stick up my ass and I tried, today, to pull it out ... but it turns out it's pretty happy right where it is. I feel like such a dick. I'm crabby. I'm ungrateful. I'm mean. I'm territorial. I'm easily annoyed. Certainly, I'm annoying as well. I know I need to allow myself these days. But, god, I need to get over myself.

And I also need to learn that I can only do so much ... I can only take on so much.

It's fairly clear to us now that my mom had pneumonia ... a mild case of it. She seems to be doing somewhat better--especially with her breathing. Her lungs have cleared up quite a bit in the last couple days--and the albuterol they gave her seems to be helping her when she does feel short of breath. And she's got a lot more energy, too. Her sense of humor has even returned. But then she pushes it--like she spent a good portion of today out of bed and then wound up with a fever. And then when the fever broke, she got out of bed AGAIN, and then later her temperature went up again. She also needs to be really careful with how much work she's making her heart and lungs do ... but then I feel like such an ass when I say stuff like, "Are you SURE you want to go downstairs?" "Are you sure you want to leave your bed?" "Are you sure you want to pretend that you're not sick?" And of course, I would never ask anything like that last question ... but that's what I feel like I'm insinuating sometimes. And why shouldn't my mom be able to get up and go downstairs and hang out for awhile if she's feeling well enough at the time? But how do you enjoy those moments when you're feeling better when that enjoyment just makes you feel worse later? So what do you do?

And my mom knows all this. We talk about it--how frustrating it is for her because she does one thing, and then another thing happens. And then she tries to make that better, and that makes something else worse. The albuterol helps, but she shouldn't take too much because it can increase her heart rate. She needs to eat and gain weight to get energy, but she needs to be careful not to eat too much because any sudden weight gain will be hard on her heart. She needs to do this, but she needs to do that. Turn left--NO WAIT, turn right! Stop, slow, fast, go. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I am.